The road not taken.....

I am virtually in the eye of a storm with a ton to read and study. And it does not seem to end at all. Infact it acts up like a reverse 'Akshayapaathra' and is gobbling up every spare second of my time.
I am not in the best of moods or in physical shape. I get migraines almost everyday with the ceaseless reading and have to sacrifice almost all of my weekends and holidays. And to worsen the injury, somebody else also has to undergo the consequences- my poor hubby. I hardly make breakfast, make an excuse of a dinner, and most of the household duties are tipped heavily on his platter now and to top it I am many a times like a sniper in warfield at home. Yeah, thats precisely what law school is doing to me. But thats not the point here. The point is I am not free even during thanksgiving, where I had planned some odd months back to have 'that' trip and have fun. The point is Im feeling thankless about a lot of things and is glaring back with green eyes to the ones who say they are thankful.

But then, I remember my last thanksgiving- Unsure, scared and hopeless. And even better, I was thankful for a lot of things back then when I was going through possibly the most difficult phase of my life.

So this thanksgiving, keeping all the bad moods aside-All the herculean tasks forgotten for a moment, I am thankful!!

- For the fact that I am busy when I could have been just rotting away doing nothing.
- For a great husband who do me HUGE favours and never act like he is doing me one
- For the choices and freedom I constantly remember I have
- For a decent life with just enough dose of adventure and fun

-For the little things in life
-For the times I am living in, where home is just a phone call away
-For internet and the countless friends from the web

And finally, for law school for challenging my brain power to its zenith. I hate ya, but I am a masochist.;)


Happy Thanksgiving people!!!

Hitting quarter life crisis and counting, I am not sure whether I fare better or worse in terms of 'life'. But I seem to be a whole lot happier and wiser than 10 years before.

And the one who tagged me- Surya- is someone whom I knew then and now and I keep loving and adoring her all the more the more I know her. And strongly feel the species of women would be better off if there were more women like her
So here I go, What would I tell my 15 year old self if I was in some twisted time warp.

1. If you feel different than everyone else, thats probably because you are indeed different.Thats no crime and stop making excuses for yourself.

2. The mean things which you cried over would be a silly joke which will be quickly forgotten in a decade. And you would meet meaner people and will have meaner and vile things said and done to you. Chin up and smile.

3. The best friends you have now will be the ones whom you will turn to when you need someone the most. They might never understand you-but they will always be there.

4. Nobody is perfect,not even you.Forgive and forget.The Karma always gets back to you.

5. Your looks would be totally different 10 years down the line. So will be your thoughts, dreams and your outlook towards life and living.

6. You will see and learn things beyond your comprehension. So stop planning and worrying over the future. Life can never be planned.

7. Friends are friends. Regardless how gay,drugged,drunk or wicked they are. They bear with you, so you have to return the favour.

8. Save some of the childhood innocence tucked deep down. It will help you sharpen your charm sometime in life.

9. Accept failures. Your wins are not worthy without them.(And I ought to share this link-courtesy Cherian)

10. Eat, pray and love- The rest will work out fine.


If you could time travel back ten years, what are the 10 things that you would tell your younger self? And if you were reading this, you are tagged.

If you are living abroad, and if you are hopelessly in love with India-There is no single day which passes by without remembering....
But there are days when you almost wish you could just run back leaving everything. Especially when you watch songs like these. Its a crime to make them.
And I think thats every expats dilemma. (Especially first generation ones like me).So this is for you, my home land....Just to remind myself how much I miss everything about that place I call home.
The silver twirl of raindrops in my verandha, the dizzying smell of the earth, the wind which diffuses the aromas, the dust and the dirt, hot cup of chai and lots of love....
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This might sound like the classic Western story about India and its poor downtrodden.But its not!!!

Almost one and a half hours away in train from Mumbai, there is a small picturesque village called Raya. You take a train, take a rikshaw from the train junction where mostly 7 to 8 people is bundled into one ( and I always get to sit with the driver) and walk another 1.5 kms you will end up in the heart of the village- And for the first few days it can even make you feel suspiciously like Alice in Wonderland.

There were three of us (all girls) and it was part of our course requirement to work for a year (350 credit hours) in the village. So two days of the week, we board the train from our busy urbane life and get transported to a story book village. Make no mistake, its not so romantic as you think. Three girls travelling with men in a rikshaw, talking to elders, doing things which they never even think of doing even in their wildest dreams- It doesnt exactly make you the icons in the eyes of villagers.Quite contrary you are just eye-candy. Someone whom you can stare at unashamedly and openly wonder and question about.Somebody who is not restricted within the strict village hierarchies.

I think we under estimate Indian villages. The structure and tiers set out there can challenge even CIA I guess. Raya was not any different than the normal Maharashtrian village. There was the Marathi community (from whom the Sarpanch and most of the village council was formed), the Muslim community, a strong Dalit community who kept photos of Buddha and Ambedkar at their homes. The Dalits were not viewed in so much favor, but the few families in Raya where financially stable and that gave them voice. And then ofcourse, the tribals who lived far far off from the main village and had to migrate according to seasons.

And there are boundaries, not written or deeded.But invisible ones which are even more strong. It was given that the Marathi children wouldnt go to the Muslim households or vice versa. The women were not allowed to step towards the Dalit fields let alone go to tribal land from the Marathi or Muslim communities. And we three were there trying to bring unity in diversity/method in madness/rhyme in chaos- or whatever you choose to call it ( Or simply for good grades).

Since we were totally alien and from 'Mumbai', we were allowed at all homes. Didnt somebody say that Indian psyche subserves to all things foreign?? Infact, everyone competed to get us in their house and make us have a cup of chai. If you havent been to a traditional village in any part of India, thats an experience unto itself which you should never miss.Maybe, about that some other time...
The girls would touch our clothes, make us talk about life in Mumbai, a place so close by yet most of them would probably would never set foot in there. Boys are curious about movie stars and whether we have seen any. Elders would try to impress us by narrating stories of their village and life in general. Further the time we spent, the questions get more personal. They simply assumed we were from Bombay. But when we tell them where we come from (Kerala, Jharkand and Uttaranchal), they are amused that our parents sent their girl children so far away to study let alone roam around like this. They have not heard of our home lands and want to know whether life is the same in those parts of the world.For them, those are as far as America or London is. Infact they know about those places better.

So we have tasks set to be completed in one year.Each one of us get to do something productive for the village. One of us is in charge of the Marathi school, me for the Urdu school and the other one ( who was our senior and hence) has the most difficult part of setting up a tribal school.The educational system in there merits a totally different post and I have talked a little bit about it before.

Each school is fiercely exclusive. Urdu school students dont usually mingle with Marathi school children even though they are just metres apart. I have to impart special education for the Urdu school children. If you dont know me before, my spoken Hindi is a tad too simplistic and devoid of all possible grammar sense. So you can imagine me teaching Urdu school students. Well, lets say-all things considered-We managed. They taught me Urdu and I taught them Malayalam and some more trivial things like health and hygeine, national integration and so on. I hardly doubted whether some difference was being made.

Towards, the end of our field work, we needed to come up with something for the annual function. With broken Hindi, and a bunch of over active kids --- its kind of impossible to put up something. But well we finally managed to do something.

Thanks to my kindergarten action song experience. I taught them this song- Complete with actions.

And the meaning of the beautiful lyrics (Not so perfect when its literal translation to English -translated by Palacerani)

This star, that star, every star;

whichever one you see looks lovely.

This star, that star, every star

when all these gather together in the night,

the whole sky shimmers.

Shimmering stars, two stars, nine stars, a hundred stars!

They glitter as one, but each is a separate spark.

If you have seen a rainbow,

then tell me how many colors there are in it?

There are seven colors to speak of,

but they're so closely associated;

just think,

if these colors all dwelt separately,

how would a rainbow ever form?

Likewise, if we couldn't manage to unite

to fight injustice,

then our people would not be a nation.

So don't ask why we are so weak and defeated!

Stars, stars;

this star, that star....

Individual drops, by joining together, make a river.

Every drop makes the sea; otherwise what is a sea?

Understand this puzzle: a drop existing on its own,

just as a drop, isn't anything.

Were we to forsake others and turn away from everyone,

then we would end up feeling incredibly lonely.

Why don't we join together and become a current?

star star

this star, that star.....

The farmer who ploughs the land

brings forth gold from the earth.

The cowherd who tends to the cattle

is rewarded with a river of milk.

The blacksmith who shapes the iron,

every tool of his shines!

The potter who shapes the clay --

for him, the clay becomes a pot.

All these are faces of labor,

a desire to do something.

No one has enmity with anyone else;

all have the same dreams,

all are the same.

No one is a stranger to another.

This is a simple matter; understand, my friend.

And the best part was that year, the Marathi and Urdu schools had their annual function together!!!

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Despite all that hard work, we didnt get good grades for our work-but we were happy and still remember those days with a full heart. I guess in a way it reflects the state of real professionals who slog unnamed, unheralded in the villages. They might not be getting recognition, money or fame.But I am sure they sleep with a happy heart.

Weeks back I wrote this in my Malayalam blog. It was about this poetess who committed suicide at a ripe young age leaving a toddler son behind. And many of us were so deeply disturbed that we discussed about it for days. And apparently, according to post death features in magazines, she suffered from chronic depression. And I realized I have to write this. Hence here it is.

*************************************************************************************

There are a lot of classifications of clinical depression and it manifests in many different avatars.Its as diverse as humans are. Wiki gives this definition,

Major depressive disorder (also known as clinical depression, major depression, unipolar depression, or unipolar disorder) is a mental disorder characterized by an all-encompassing low mood accompanied by low self-esteem, and loss of interest or pleasure in normally enjoyable activities.

I am sure all of us have experienced that atleast once a week. Well, if you havent- either you are a maniac or not human.

There are a zillion definitions and if you go through the medical symptoms, you will end up wondering whether you do have chronic depression or not on a continued basis. Well, thats an occupational hazard of psychology.The more you learn about each disorder or condition, the more you wonder whether you have that illness or not. For 5 years of my student life(studying psychology), I was convinced Im a potential/existent chronic mental patient.

But apart from all the definitions, I like the tag line of an ad which I have been seeing recently.Its of an anti depressant medication- It says, Depression Hurts!
Simple and straight forward.Yet it covers everything that depression is.

Some people say that depression feels like a black curtain of despair coming down over their lives. Many people feel like they have no energy and can't concentrate. Others feel irritable all the time for no apparent reason. The symptoms vary from person to person, but if you feel "down" for more than two weeks, and these feelings are interfering with your daily life, you may be clinically depressed. (via Depression.com)

In my brief career as a counselor, the majority of the cases I had to deal with involved some form of depression. The dangerous truth is depression sometimes can be just the beginning of a whirlwind which can take you down mentally. Many of the major disorders have depression as one of its symptoms. Most people with depression never seek help, even though the majority will respond to treatment,which can be just plain good counseling. But its not something we are used to from the culture where we belong to. Now, Im not saying pop up anti depressants and mood swingers everytime you feel low. But it is high time to see how small moods off are spinning dangerous webs around many of ours and our friends lives, especially women.

How many Indian women will be familiar with what she has wrote here. And how many will have the courage to write this on a public space.
We, Indians, especially women are hugely private people when it comes to our feelings. We can talk about anything under the sun, but we stammer and stutter when its about feelings and emotions. We cry silently, but we dont want to share our private tears with anyone. And in the so called independent generation, this strange phenomena is just multiplying in geometric progression.

Now all of that might sound technical and boring.But thats the truth.

I have slogged in suicide helplines. Took calls from friends saying they have cut their veins. Seen brilliant people committing suicides. Counselled women who were like an imploding atom bomb.

And after a point of time, it was pulling me down. I was getting frustrated and depressed. And couldnt take it anymore.

After all, I realized. Most of them were not in need of a counselor.....But were in need of a friend.

And I decided to be just that.

Read this and this also

P.S. Chronic depression needs to be treated. And just talking to friends might not help. And the views expressed here are personal experiences and reflections of me as an ex counselor

I cant believe it has been one year since I wrote this .

We have been through hell and back.

We have had our share of lil joys and sorrows

We have had small tiffs and big fights

Yet we managed to laugh and hold each other together

And today, we know if we could have survived all that, we can endure any storm.

If I can look back and smile at all of it, its only because of ONE person...

Happy Wedding Anniversary to us, Honey!

Cheers to the crazy us!!!And hoping the madness continues---forever.

Stories make people come together.
Stories help us know pain and joy better
Stories lets you empty out your tears and supply you with unlimited laughter.
When I wrote the last post, I never expected such an overwhelming response.
It helped me connect Some let me into their private worlds and some held my hand in my private world.
Thanks for all the comments, mails and chats.
Its awesome to know you guys are out there.

Share your stories.They are the best catharsis and healing!!!

Warning: This post is going to be unusually long and maybe even pointless. I am writing it for myself to look back in and believe that 'life is what happens when we are busy making other plans'.

Two days back(Thursday) I got my driving license. I am yet to receive the card which would define my identity in this country in the coming years.Till now, it had been a page in my passport which was named a non immigrant dependent visa which in all its practical sense means nothing much. For a person who have lived all her(his)years doing her own thing and pretty much being good at it, I would recommend coming to US on a dependent Visa and live a solid year to be grounded on how to not lose your self respect while viling away your life.Well, till you go through it you would never estimate the importance of silly nuances of identity crisises.Well, considering even the mighty Shahrukh Khan had to endure a security check somehow soothes my soul and even more underscores what I learnt in the past 10 months living in this alien yet wonderful country.So here is my story of ten months of a gut wrenching roller coaster ride of life.

Before getting married, we had planned a course of action which involved me applying to Universities for higher education-Selecting the best one from the choices we have based on location,ranking of the University and course,job market for my better half.(Oh.By the way, he had almost quit the project he was working on in Reno because I wanted to do my education from one of the best places and Reno was well,not anywhere near it.More about Reno in a later post. And yes, he is a darling to do that.Ofcourse, thats why I married him.)So there it was.As always, the neurotic planner in me complete with a gazillion planners and organizers had planned out step by step process of my life's direction. And as planned, I applied for Policy studies/Development Studies/Global Policy studies in diffferent Universities. My strategy is quite akin to what most of the graduate students from India do-2 dream Universities(read best Ivy leagues),3 great Universities(Read top 10) and 1 not so bad University,but not good enough (Read in top 25,but is just a buffer because of location preference).And well, thank my lucky stars, I got into all of them where I applied. And I was thrilled to the core.Not just because of getting the admits,but also because that the entire process of applying ,writing SOP's and contacting professors was a nightmare which I would never ever want to relive.

Our first set back came with the date of the wedding.It had to be done in September because of unavoidable logistics issues which also meant that I would not be able to join classes in Fall 2008(classes beginning end of August).So naturally, I applied for deferring admits to Spring and had just one University doing that. I was devastated because that meant I will have to be at home for atleast 6 months time and for someone who has never really sat at home jobless, it was unthinkable. It also meant I wouldnt be able to take a F1 (student) Visa as I planned.I honestly thought the universe is conspiring against me to off set my happiness with my 'only' wedding.Well, I was deeply wrong. It was just a sample ride in the least scary childrens ride of the amusement park.

The best part was I couldnt really decide where to join.And Ivy leagues have this knack of luring students especially International students with their 'Oh so great name' and zero scholarships.And to add to the agony, my boss was a graduate from that specific school and was all heart in me taking it up.Well, money won over prestige and I 'declined' the admit with a heavy heart and tried to zero in on the next best schools. And again, I started planning with all my might. We were set to go to US a month after our wedding and we can shift as soon as we can to the locale of the University where I want to attend to and he can get a working project there and I can convert to student Visa. And for those of you who is thinking, that sounds improbable.Trust me, it was fool proof in any way you looked at it.

That was till, Recession hit as a global monster.

I think I have an affinity towards disasters.My colleagues in Tsunami work team used to call me Tsunami baby just because my birthdate falls on the unfortunate day when it hit.Recession was a Tsunami for us, two newly weds whose world just went upside down in matter of days. It definitely was not one of the best experiences of landing in a totally alien country with no friends or relatives around in the boiling heat of recession.It was almost like-I set foot in US and the US economy tumbled down like a tower of cards. Quite an ego burst for a newly wed bride!.

That changed our lives which Im sure like so many others-rich and poor alike.These things which you read in newspapers are just 'general knowledge' and statistics till you become one of those. Sibz didnt technically lose his job-but being out of a project virtually meant that. So we were in our first newly wed months where we wondered and woke up everyday with anxiety and fear of not knowing what next.And those who dont have the habit of saving money in the plush of your financial years, I strongly advice to do so;because in these days, you never know what will happen for sure. Yes, thats what we did. We survived on savings. And needless to say, my college plans naturally took a back seat. Getting a job was what both of us had to think of day and night. SInce I was on H4 which meant I am ineligible to apply, we had to concentrate on the only probable bread winner of the family with the 'H1B'. And in those days (even now) when people were being sent off home with their H1B s cancelled, we were lucky enough to have retained it and transferred it to the right company at the right time. We were hoping to get into the project which my better half sacrificed for me to go for future studies in Reno itself. He was offered the project before our wedding with a substantial pay hike and he had said NO to it before coming to India for the wedding. Most of the first month went in trying to get it and feeding our hopes onto it. But as Murphy would have it, they were scared of the economy and refused to take on an additional expense on their balance sheets. So we were left to the mercy of market forces.Those were the days of checking every financial column of every source to see even an inkling of a positive turn over in the economy; which ofcourse didnt happen at all.

While my hubby was busy searching for jobs, I quite didnt know what to do. That was the first time in my life, my plans had mercilessly abandoned me.And for an organizing freak like me, that was pure trauma. I could see reins of my life slipping away from my hands and not being able to do anything was what frustrated me the most.Without the security of one of us having a job, it was pointless to embark on a college education which also meant that I wont be able to join classes for Spring semester as we planned. And the prude in me didnt want to share it with anyone fearing the judgment and prejudice I 'might' possibly have gotten. But thankfully, both our families and a set of close friends stood by us.Bless their souls.

Finally at some point of time I reconciled to the fact that there is nothing I can do about it and to go with the flow. After an excruciating wait of almost 5 months, Sibz got 2 offers at the same time.(Can you even believe after all that time, we had a choice of choosing where to go) Memphis and Texas. We were thrilled.Going to Texas meant I could join my No.2 choice of University and even have the buffer of my last choice university with a large chunk of scholarship. So after shifting two homes in Reno itself we embarked on our journey to the new land.We chose Texas for obvious reasons and was accomodated by a friends family who was kind enough to give us board and space till we could find our own place. We were there for almost a month.They didnt have to really do it.But they did it and again I dont know whom to thank for such goodness which comes randomly in your lives.(Or is it random?)

So we thought finally our troubles are going to end.Sibz s office had a corollary in the locale of my no.2 choice University and we assumed we could move there in the course of time and I could ofcourse join there and we could be together. But well, there was no happy ending like that. For reasons still beyond my comprehension the University decided not to defer my admission and dont give me admission at all i.e when I still had the admits from Ivy leagues which were much much better than this one. That sure broke my pride.I was hurt and defeated. I kept thinking over and over again, why would such a thing happen?.Nobody has denied admission to me ever.Well, sometimes failure has its wicked way on sneaking in ways you least expect. I had never thought of myself as a particularly 'competitive' person. And it was time for self recollection.

And those times got me thinking. I wanted something to occupy my mind so badly.Worse comes worse,I could always join my last choice of University which was even in the same State and they were offering me a substantial amount of scholarship.But somehow, my heart was not into it anymore.Between apartment and furniture hunting and setting up a new apartment, I still needed that certain one thing to keep me assured that I have not become obsolete.And I remembered my co worker in Assam who was preparing for his LSATs(Law school admission test in US) and I figured out thats the kind of mental stimulation I needed right then. I had always wanted to do law. I almost would have.But between the compromise between my mom and me of me not pursuing medicine and choosing my own field, there was a slight catch-I shouldnt do Law because for some reason she believed 'girls' who did law didnt get good marriage alliances. Weird, huh?But well, I surrendered to it mostly because I was getting to do what I liked to do and was not being forced into something which i dint want to pursue. So coming back to where I was, I couldnt simply do LSAT just for the heck of it.I shopped around, but most of the Universities had their deadlines over and out. And finally, I checked University of Houston which is the nearest University I could ever get. And' coincidentally', they had their part time admission deadline up in just another month.That meant I could actually apply and take the test in June and pray for the best. LSAT is quite a competitive test and its not at all wise to take it with just a months preparation.But I did just that.And for the first time in my life, I loved studying for a standardized test.I almost felt the test was personalized for me.It had all the test elements which I loved doing or is naturally good at.I had my inlaws visiting over during the time of preparation and test and a lot of other things happening. But I did it. I did the test and applied to one of the top tier 1 law schools in the country hoping for a chance of redeemal. I didnt have a great LSAT score, but definitely had a 'good' one. And I hoped all the hardwork I had done with my life in the past years would help me in some way.All I could do was hope.

And one of those days, I was lazing around in the library and I get a call from the University which declined me my admit.They wanted me back. They somehow realized I was worth it and surely it was a sweet revenge because Im sure they dont do last minute corrections like that as the admissions office admitted.But, I was no longer in the mindset to join them since they were a good number of miles away from us and I had to relocate by myself there.So in the mean while I was preparing to join the last number choice of University in my list since it would also help us not to be in different places.After 4 years of long distance relationship and what we went through the first months of marriage, I didnt want to stay away from my better half. This also meant I will have to settle down with not the best but still it was one of the top 25 programs in US. But when you have always been in the best of the best, it rankles somewhere deep down.And your juniors and colleagues joining the very same Ivy leagues you had your admits in doesnt really help with your dilemma. Nopes, thats not bragging.I genuinely wished I didnt have that disability of mind.Sometimes not being the best is the sanest thing you can ever do to yourself.




But well, after all this I did finally get into law school.

So now doing a flash back, I get what James Redwood meant in Celestine Prophecy

Feeling restless? You're not alone: Everybody's starting to look for more meaning in life. Start paying closer attention to those seemingly "Chance Coincidences" - strange occurrences that feel like they were meant to happen. They are actually synchronistic events, and following them will start you on your path to spiritual truth.

If even one of those events which I lamented about didnt occur, I wouldnt be here saying this story with a light heart.It started even from Assam.If Gabe hadnt been studying for LSAT so ardently, it wouldnt even have crossed my mind to apply it in here.I was always thinking in terms of a distance ed law course from India. Those 6 months in Reno which was so pathetic,now in hindsight looks like a marvellous honeymoon. Who gets a honeymoon in a casino town (Reno is mini Las Vegas for old people) with friends around? And most importantly, which H4 newly wed bride had got her husband with her for 5 months at her disposal?We had a great time there with a closely knit Indian community and 'chance' meeting of people from same part of Kerala as we hail from who treated us like family. Because of them, we never felt alien and alone. We went for frequent dinner parties, invited people home and had a great time out there. We even gambled and gained a little bit of goodies from casinos.Now being in Houston where an Indian turns away when they see another one, I realize how fortunate I was to land in Reno of all places.More about Reno later in another post.It deserves another post truly.So thanks to recession for that.

All those times I cribbed I was doing nothing- I did an online creative writing course, learnt a bit of Spanish, started guitar lessons, toyed around with my new fancy camera,did a couple of freelance social projects and even co authored a book. Ofcourse, if it was not for the sword looming over my head, I could have done better. If I had taken things in a more lighthearted fashion and went with the flow, I could have enjoyed it lot more. But, now come to think of it those were some of the best days of my life. Taking life at its own sweet time without worrying about a schedule or tick marks in my organizer-it was a different experience and surprisingly truly liberating.

And today, I might have only few things to change in my resume,yet I can safely say I would not trade those days for anything else. I would not have had it in any other way given a second chance. And that thought makes me happy and seemlessly content.I am older and wiser gone through that rollercoaster ride.

And I know whatever storm I shall have to endure, 'This too shall pass'...

And thats precisely why I believe in miracles,fairies and all the good things in life!!!


So law school, here I come.I am blogging about that journey here for any one out there who might need help with it.I sure did.And hoping some fairy would get me a cosigner for my student loans.